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How to be Annoying  by Dr.Gibbs January 12, 2003

Nearly every multiplayer game has an unspoken code of ethics that players try to follow in order to keep the game more enjoyable for everyone. While most of us try our best to follow this code as much as possible, well - let's face it - everyone wants to have a little devious fun. Maybe you're playing with people you know personally, or perhaps you just want to be the center of attention at a LAN party. Heck, maybe you even want to get back at someone you met on a public server. Whatever your reason, there are plenty of justifications for wanting to annoy the ever-loving crap out of somebody.

Few things are quite as satisfying as joining a healthy, stable server and single-handedly plunging it into the depths of chaos in a cool couple of minutes. What follows are four simple recipes for disaster -one for each mode of play. I should start off by emphasizing the fact that you should avoid using these very often. They're good for a little entertainment every once in awhile, but you don't want to make a habit out of ruining the game for everyone.

Before you start, there are a couple of important rules you need to learn. Most importantly, don't ever try this on a server that has an admin present. Server admins usually have pings of less than 25 or so, often spectate, and will sometimes have the same name as the server (if the server is called "CoolGuy's Fragfest" and someone on it is named "CoolGuy", that's a pretty good clue). Most admins will kick you if you start becoming a nuisance - and you don't want to ruin everyone else's game if you're not going to be able to finish what you started. Besides, it's embarrassing - I promise, they'll make fun of you after you're gone.

The second rule you need to remember is to keep yourself anonymous. A lot of players tend to use the same handle (name) all the time - well, if you're going to start acting like an idiot, you probably don't want to use your regular handle. If you try to be a decent player most of the time, you don't want to ruin that by becoming famous for being a jerk. You should take this opportunity to label yourself with something witty and creative - something along the lines of "Poopy Pants" would do wonderfully for matching the maturity level of your behavior.

It's pretty important to remember that you won't always get the same kind reaction out of people. I would say it's safe to divide the playing community half-and-half between those who will actually react to your idiocy and those who will just ignore it. If you get lucky, you'll find a server full of people who will react... but there's just as much of a chance that you'll find people who don't. Don't get frustrated if you don't get the flamboyant reaction you were hoping for right away - if you keep trying, you eventually will.

Deathmatch

It's tough to be annoying in a game that's really nothing more than a melee free-for-all - especially since you don't serve any purpose beyond being fragbait. In fact, there's really only one truly effective thing that can make you a nuisance to everyone: camping. It's not exactly exciting, but it can sometimes fry up some pretty interesting reactions. It's obviously most effective when there's a smaller number of players.

Most of you probably already know what camping is, but for those of you who don't, I'll explain. First, you need to find a great spot to set up camp - ideally, it will be small, only have one or two entrances, and contain at least one or two really good items. You'll need a weapon to stock up some ammo with, of course, and a health pack or two is a big bonus. If you really want to annoy people, pick a spot that's well recognized as being a classic hangout for llamas. You know the places - areas like the railgun pad on Q3DM17, the catwalk in the indoor room of Q3DM7, or (and this is my personal favorite) the BFG room on Q3DM12. Just about every map has one... and if you play with some people for awhile, you'll be able to find it.

Once you're nice and comfy, all you need to do is keep an ongoing supply of health and ammo. Whenever someone invades your little personal space, kill them. You'd be surprised how incredibly mad people get when you do this - pretty soon you'll have most of the people on the server more worried about you than the rest of their opponents, and they'll be spending most of their time trying to kill you. Most of them won't succeed, of course, since you have such a large advantage over them. Since they're all coming after you, they're not getting frags - you, however, are. If you're successful, it won't be long before you're in first place.

Your reaction to them is going to completely determine just how annoying you really are. Sooner or later - probably sooner - they're going to start whining and complaining about you, calling you names, and laughing every time you finally die. It's very important that you don't respond to any of this - just silently collect your frags without saying a word. And every time they manage to kill you, immediately go back to the same place and continue your little routine. The fact that you won't respond to their flames is going to make them mad enough - but if you never stop camping, you'll have them all so distracted that they'll all be doing worse than you.

Tournament

This is another tough one. As in Deathmatch, you don't serve any purpose beyond being cannon fodder. Luckily, however, you do have more of an opportunity to annoy someone - not only are you the one and only opponent of an unsuspecting player, but you're also holding up the line. Opportunity here abounds, my friend, so be prepared.

There are two things tournament players hate the most. The first, of course, is excessively long games (admit it... it annoys you to have to wait in line). Not surprisingly, they also hate newbies. You can use this to your advantage and play on both of their pet peeves at the same time. In this little trick, you're not only going to act like a newbie, but you're also going to drag the game out as long as you possibly can. Your mission is actually quite simple: do everything in your power to stop your opponent from killing you. Not only does this annoy your opponent, but it annoys everyone waiting in line to play. Unfortunately, you can't keep it up forever - almost all servers have time limits on rounds. Luckily, they're often set pretty high.

To prepare for your llamadome, put on your disguise by changing your model to Sarge and your name to "UnnamedPlayer". Once that's done, use the console to bind a convenient key to the "kill" command. I think you can imagine where this is going. Once those two things are done, you're ready to spread your wrath - find a server with a relatively low number of players so you don't have to wait long. Once you're in the game and it's your turn to frag, be sure to suck as much as possible - and start using the suicide key whenever it looks like you're about to die. If your health is low and he's coming after you, hit the magic button - you'll die and lose a frag, and leave him with nothing to kill. If he can't kill, he can't score - and that means the round isn't ever going to end. Remember to kill yourself a few times in between so he doesn't catch on to what your doing. For an added effect, don't press a key to respawn... simply sit back and wait for the game do it for you.

Be prepared - you're opponent's almost guaranteed to say something. When he asks you why you keep killing yourself, simply tell him you have no idea what's going on. After all, you've just now installed Quake on your computer for the first time, and one of your friends set up some controls for you. Now that he's gone, you're trying to play for your first time. For some reason you keep dying, and you can't for the life of you figure out why.

Being an experienced player, of course, your opponent going to figure out your problem immediately. If he’s a nice guy (and he probably will be since you’re annoying the crap out of him by doing that), he’ll try to help you by explaining the problem and giving you a solution to it. Whatever that solution may be, tell him you've done it, and then start playing again. Of course, you’re going to continue killing yourself. When you die the second or third time, ask him to explain everything to you again. Just keep doing this over and over again until the game's timer runs out - there's nothing anyone can do to get you off the server, and if you're good enough, it's likely no one will ever figure out that you're doing all of this on purpose.

CTF

If your team is losing, don't worry - you can fix that. Simply go to Quake 3's Team menu and switch to the other color. You'll probably want to use team_say to tell your mates what you're doing so they can help you along if they like (be careful, though, as they may turn against you for ruining the game). The best way to do this without being noticed is to wait until the teams are of unequal size - it's common courtesy to switch teams to make them even anyway. Unfortunately, you probably won't get the opportunity when you really need it - so just do it without saying a word.

If friendly fire is enabled on the server, then the first critical rule you need to remember is that you absolutely cannot start killing players on your new team. This is going to make your intentions very clear, and they aren't going to let you do very much. As long as you can avoid killing them, you'll be warmly welcomed as a new member - and that's exactly what you need if you want to be successful.

The interesting thing about CTF is that you have a special advantage if you're playing on your enemy's team - you can suck. Once you've been welcomed into the herd, simply start hindering their efforts as much as possible. Go and grab your old team's flag as often as you can, and each time you get a hold of it, make your way to your new team’s base as slowly as possible. Get lost, walk around in circles, get stuck in corners - whatever it takes. A couple of "accidental" plunges into lava or the void can't hurt, either. Keep the flag in your possession as long as you can - after all, every second you have the flag is a second your new team isn't going to score. Of course, you can't keep it forever if you want your real team to score - so if one of your old buddies gets your new team's flag, make sure you follow him straight into your old base, flag in hand. Someone there will kill you, return the flag, and your old team will score.

If you get tired of carrying the flag around, you can just hang around your new base. Your unsuspecting teammates will get the impression that you're actually making an effort to guard it, and it will give them a false sense of security - if you’re lucky, they’ll even leave you to guard by yourself. When one of your real buddies comes in, simply let him grab the flag right out from under you. Once he has it, run after him... your new mates will assume you've got the carrier covered and, once again, they’ll be tempted to let you do the work. You’re not going to do anything, of course, except fire a few stray shots.

If anyone notices your behavior, just apologize and claim to be a newbie. If friendly fire is on, you may have a problem... but as long as it's off, your new teammates won't be able to do anything about their little weak link. Once the game ends and your team has lost, change back to your real team and kick it up a notch by teasing the enemies about it as much as possible. Just make sure you don't do it again once you've blown your cover.

Team Deathmatch

So you've played on blue for awhile, and you and your fellow blue guys are having a little trouble winning a match (do they ever win?). Never fear! You have a friend - it's called the Team menu. Use it to switch to the opposing team (in this case, red) and start wreaking havoc on them from their own side. The nice thing about Team Deathmatch is that every time you kill someone on your own team, your personal score is going to drop by one... and so will the entire team's total. If you want to add some insult to injury, make most of your frags using the gauntlet. There's no reason to be secretive about this, because it won't be long at all before your new teammates figure out what you're up to. Unfortunately for them, they can't do much about it - after all, if they kill you in their own defense, the team is going to lose a point anyway.

After doing this for a little while, pick someone on the team to be your own personal victim. The best choice is going to be the one that has been whining about you the most, or maybe the one that's been killing you more than any of the others. Once you’ve picked a victim, change your name and model to match theirs. For a little while, people aren't going to come after you as often since they don't recognize you. But, when they've finally had enough, they will - and, not being able to tell the difference, they're also going to start killing the guy you're pretending to be. This is why you need to pick someone with a temper - he's going to start yelling and carrying on, and he’ll probably even start killing his own teammates. Cha-ching! You now have a clone who even acts like you. Who’s going to know the difference?

But wait, you're not done yet! Sooner or later (probably sooner), the guy you're posing as is going to try to change his name to hinder your efforts. When he does this, follow his lead - change your name to match his new one, and continue wreaking havoc. Fate pretty much dictates that he's going to change his name a second time - but this time, don't change yours. You see, at this point, neither one of you has your original name - and since everyone's been too busy to follow your little name changing ritual, they're going to be quite lost as to which one is who.

This is when it really hits the fan. The people on your new team are going to be so annoyed at this point that they'll be killing both of you out of spite. The other guy, who by now is absolutely furious, is going to scream and yell and carry on about how he's the real guy and you're the traitor. Well, all you have to do is calmly explain to everyone that you're the real guy, and that the other one was the one who was killing everyone before. When the real guy kills you, tell him to stop killing people on his own team. When others kill you, tell them once again that the other guy is the real traitor. At this point, you'll want to start killing people on your old team - in other words, blend in. Since you're perfectly calm and he's going off like a bomb, and since he's busy killing you while you're getting points for the team, everyone's going to believe you and start going after him.

If you're successful, your unsuspecting team will have a negative score by the end of the game. On top of that, they've been so annoyed, thrashed, rattled, and disrupted that they're probably going to perform badly for at least another few rounds. Switch back to your real team, return to your original model and name, and in the next round you'll notice they aren't doing nearly as well. Chances are it will be a long time before your real team ever loses again.

And that, my friends, is how you make yourself annoying.

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