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The Angry Guy  by Dr.Gibbs May 31, 2000

Well, let's start this story where it should, exactly why I was playing Quake 3 at 4:00 in the morning. I couldn't sleep. I decided not to waste endless minutes staring at my ceiling when I could be fragging, so I proceeded to do the latter. I joined a crowded server, but I just wasn't up for it, so I chose the first one on the list with only one other person. Lucky me.

This is when I met Angry, which is what I'm going to call him instead of giving his entire handle... somewhat to protect his privacy, but mostly because the rest of it would violate this site's policy against highly objectionable content.

I happened to join in during an intermission. The guy had 26 frags, so I figured he'd be a challenge. Anyway, the intermission pretty much went like this as I repeatedly tried the futile task of getting my Ready light to stay on. You'd think id would have that fixed by the fifth point release...

Angry (him): "Do you know me?"
Dr.Gibbs (me): "No..."
Angy: "You will."
Dr.Gibbs: "Okay..."

Well, I'll admit it, I was downright scared. I don't like losing 1v1 matches, especially not against people with 250 pings. This happens a lot. I suck at 1v1. Well, in all fairness, I will mention that my ping was a mere 80, 170 lower than his. But you won't feel sorry for him for long, don't worry.

Ahh, the next game started to load. Oh, boy! Q3DM15, one of the largest maps in the game. I should have time to crank up my armor and ammo before running into him. For those of you who are at a loss here, Q3DM15 is the map with the swinging crosses over that Quad pit and the BFG floating in the middle of that outside area. In fact, this is where the real story begins.

I fragged him twice, he fragged me once. He actually seemed to be quite a challenge. The first chance I got, I went outside with my trusty rocket launcher and grabbed the BFG after about four tries. You have to hit that thing just right, and it's not easy. So, I blasted him a few times and he started to get ticked. Then I managed to grab the battle suit and swim through the lava to the BFG ammo room, where I cranked my ammo up to over 100:

I blasted him a few more times, by now he was not very happy. I managed to get 125 cells, my all-time record for BFG ammo without cheating (no, I don't cheat in multiplayer, I'm talking about cheating in single player... so don't ask me for a crack to give you lots of BFG ammo):

And here the fun really begins. Up until now, he had been complaining about me using the BFG. Here's one of our conversations:

Angry: "Can't win without that BFG can you girl"
Dr.Gibbs: *bang*
Angry: "What a slut"
Dr.Gibbs: *bang*
Angry: "That s--t is unfair, put the BFG away b---h"
(This next line is actually the first thing I ever said to him that match)
Dr.Gibbs: "Why is it unfair? Get the dang thing yourself!"

During the long pause in coversation following that statement, I never saw him. He was obviously trying to figure out how to get the BFG, which is something a lot of newbies and even good players can't figure out. But he was pretty funny about it! After awhile (I guess after he gave up trying to get the thing), he started the usual chant.

Angry: "I don't use the BFG, it's for pussies"
Angry: "I play like a man, not like you slut"

Then someone else joined, and the first thing Angry did was tell him about five times that I was a BFG slut, a BFG whore, a BFG girl, and above all, a BFG pussy. I didn't even bother responding to him... the new guy must have already thought my buddy was nuts, so I figured he didn't need any help. Well, this new guy was pretty good, so he hurt me a lot when I saw him the first time. I killed him, but not without paying for it dearly. My health being at 20, I was still carrying my trusty BFG (so far Angry had failed to kill me). Well, in comes Angry with a rocket launcher. Ouch. I ended up on the floor, walls, ceiling, and probably even on Angry himself. Every time I thought I would die by his hand I switched to another weapon so he couldn't pick up the BFG. But, since I didn't have enough time to switch weapons, I dropped the BFG right on the floor for him to get. And he did.

Remember this? Angry: "I don't use the BFG, it's for pussies" Well, obviously he does. The next five times I saw him he had the BFG, but he didn't manage to kill me with it even a single time. He managed to rack up some kills from the other guy, though. I was trying my hardest to avoid him as much as possible until I was a match for him. Then the moment came, I grabbed the BFG and ran after him.

I met him in the mega health room on the jump pads. My heart was pounding, I needed to kill this guy in the worst way. He had taken my BFG and that meant business. I landed. He landed. The moment had come... the next few seconds would determine whether or not I would have my glorious revenge... and then... well... he stood, back to me, staring at the wall. Maybe he was waiting for me to come down?

*shrug* SPLAT.

The idiot never used the BFG again, almost certainly because he couldn't get to it. Obviously, the BFG is only unfair when other people use it. Here's a nice little one sided conversation at the end of the match, and our scores:

Ahh, so the next round was going to be my demise, eh? Somehow I doubted it. The map loads. Q3DM16, yeehaw! The best map for the rocket launcher. Let me tell you, I am what is commonly known as a rocket god. Angry now knows that. Still, I was curious as to how good he really was. After all, I had only met him with a BFG before, and everyone knows you can't test skill like that. This is about three minutes into the match:

He pretty much mouthed me off the rest of the game, but here are some of the best quotes next to the current score:

Well, that game took awhile but it was actually a lot of fun. Someone else joined in. To tell you the truth, I killed Angry 18 times before he killed me once. And that was it, once. Here's my final intermission with him. I wish he would release this energy elsewhere, it freaks me out.

By now it was almost 5:00 and I decided to call it a night... er... morning. Q3DM17 wasn't that much fun, anyway. But, hey, I came up with the wonderful idea of writing this article about him. After all, he was pretty funny. I told him about it.

Well, Anrgy said it best, so I won't even mention it. Here's my trubute to him, anyway:

So, really it comes down to this: the point of this article is not only to entertain you, but to teach you an important lesson about sportsmanship and playing fair.

Okay, okay... it really was just to entertain you.

Well, it should teach you one thing: don't ever play Quake at 4:00 in the morning... that's when all the creeps come out. G'nite :)

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